Thursday, June 22, 2006

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?
Ambrose Diaz
Are we just trying to make ourselves feel better when, in fact, the problem may lie with us and not with the women who prefer guys who apparently, are not nice?
Do men honestly think that being nice is a drawback when it comes to women? I think that we need to take a good look at ourselves if we've ever uttered this phrase as an excuse.
Nice Guy Syndrome has become a pervasive way of thinking for a certain type of man. I stumbled on this quote posted on the Counseling Center for Human Development Web site at The University of South Florida:
"The nice guy is the person who you trust and feel comfortable with, but don't see as 'fun' or 'challenging' or really all that 'interesting,' other than as a friend, of course."
I think that quote is the classic Nice Guy Syndrome mind-set. It sounds pretty reasonable at first blush, but if we look deeper at how the "Nice Guys" behave, we'll see some similarities in their thinking and actions.
Some of the symptoms of Nice Guy Syndrome:
Avoiding ConflictsA so-called Nice Guy will go out of his way to avoid an argument even if he strongly believes he's right. That kind of passivity doesn't mean that you're nice. It means that you're a pushover. It's not the challenge that women really want, it's someone who has his own set of opinions and is willing to back them up.
Having a spine is a good thing... and conflicts are how we learn about each other. Deferring to the woman all the time leads to a stagnation in the relationship and can make a woman feel quite alone because when she looks to you for an opinion, all she'll get back is her own.
Placing Women on PedestalsThis is a really big problem with Nice Guys and it's a sure-fire path to failure.
When you put a woman on a pedestal, you thrust upon her the idea that she is perfect, beyond-reproach, angelic, and unable to make mistakes. Who in the world can live up to that kind of billing?
When a woman who has been placed on a pedestal inevitably falters or takes a misstep, she comes crashing down hard. The man who placed her there can't believe that the woman he placed all his faith in could suddenly become so... well... human.
Holding anyone up to unrealistic expectations is unhealthy for both parties. Nice Guys have to realize that they are involved with women who have faults. Stop foisting what you wish were their traits on them - and take them for the wonderfully, flawed individuals that they are.
Passive NeedinessOooh... this is one of the most irritating things in the world to witness. It also falls under the unrealistic expectations category. You want something from your mate (fair enough), but you don't ask for it (not fair at all), then you feel hurt when you don't get it (incredibly unfair).
Basically, if you want something, you have to ask for it. Then, and only then, if you don't get it you can make an issue of it by verbalizing your feelings. Expecting a woman to read your mind is rather unfair, don't you think?
By now you may be thinking: Nice Guys aren't always nice, and have a tendency to be passive aggressive in these situations. The trouble is, Nice Guys think that asking for something makes them selfish. But they have to wake up to the fact that we all want and need things. It's what makes us human. Ask, and maybe, ye shall receive.
Living For Someone ElseAnother classic trait of Nice Guy Syndrome entails the idea of self-sacrifice. That's not always a bad thing, but if a relationship only has one person making sacrifices, we run into trouble. The end result of this is that the Nice Guy feels used and unappreciated.
Nice Guys often lose themselves in their partner and do everything to try and make them happy. But, in the process, they lose their individuality, the very individuality that probably made them attractive to their mate in the first place.
Nice Guys are so very eager to please that they end up denying themselves happiness along the way. Does that sound like a healthy way to live?
No More Mr. Nice GuyAs you can see, Nice Guy Syndrome is a pretty damaging condition. So the next time you utter the phrase, "nice guys finish last", think about what you're saying and take a moment to see if you really are as "nice" as you believe.
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